How to Build a Joyful Marriage
How to Build a Joyful Marriage
Poem for My Beloved on Our Thirty-Second Anniversary
“‘We’ll be friends forever, won’t we, Pooh?’ asked Piglet.
“‘Even longer,’ Pooh answered.”
—A.A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh
Moments Made Eternity
On June 24, 2024, I woke up in the middle of the night and started jotting down the following notes for a poem to my beloved Michael. I planned to write it later and give it to him today for our thirty-second anniversary:
Wise
Bricoleur
Autodidact
Polymath
Art, programming, music, philosophy
Resourceful
Resilient
Thinks animals and birds are better than people
Protects me
Cares as much for our kitties as I do
Funny as f*ck
Keeps me humble
We still hold hands walking to the mailbox
Perspective
Unafraid
Would take a bullet for me
Taught me to prioritize the meaningful over the mundane, the creative over the conventional (cleaning)
Gratitude for my cooking
Shared taste in movies, books, music
Taoist, flow, nature
Can change mind on a dime (maybe)
Can change self: thinking, attitude, habits
Can pick up anything and figure it out, learn it
Helped me awaken
It started out as a list of things I love about Michael, but then I realized it was also about the ways in which he expresses his love for me. These middle-of-the-night notes were just the hummock of the iceberg, with the bummock to be written later.
But later didn’t come because Michael died tragically, shockingly, devastatingly suddenly on July 21.
After his death, the fragments above transformed into “How to Build a Joyful Marriage,” which I illustrated with clips from some of our favorite movies. It was healing to savor scenes from some of the films that comprise the patchwork quilt of our shared experiences and understandings. I also realized how much fun Michael and I would have had watching them together, which made me miss him all the more.
In A Severe Mercy—our favorite book when we wed and foundational to our relationship—Sheldon Vanauken (“Van”) strikes on the great secret to enduring love, which we practiced faithfully throughout our marriage:
“We talked deeply, not about the already-settled matter of secrets but about justice between lovers and about how to make love endure. What emerged from our talk was nothing less, we believed, than the central ‘secret’ of enduring love: sharing.
“‘Look,’ we said, ‘what is it that draws two people into closeness and love? Of course there’s the mystery of physical attraction, but beyond that it’s the things they share. We both love strawberries and ships and collies and poems and all beauty, and all those things bind us together. Those sharings just happened to be; but what we must do now is share everything. Everything! If one of us likes anything, there must be something to like in it—and the other one must find it. Every single thing that either of us likes. That way we shall create a thousand strands, great and small, that will link us together. Then we shall be so close that it would be impossible— unthinkable—unthinkable—for either of us to suppose that we could ever recreate such closeness with anyone else. And our trust in each other will not only be based on love and loyalty but on the fact of a thousand sharings—a thousand strands twisted into something unbreakable.’
“Our enthusiasm grew as we talked. Total sharing, we felt, was the ultimate secret of a love that would last for ever. And of course we could learn to like anything if we wanted to. Through sharing we would not only make a bond of incredible friendship, but through sharing we would keep the magic of inloveness. And with every year, more and more depth. We would become as close as two human beings could become—closer perhaps than any two people had ever been. Whatever storms might come, whatever changes the years might bring, there would be the bedrock closeness of all our sharing.”
Van later describes creating what they called “moments made eternity”:
“Sitting before the fire, we had spoken of ‘moments made eternity’, meaning what are called timeless moments, moments precisely without the pressure of time—moments that might be called, indeed, timeful moments. Or time-free moments. And we had clearly understood that the pressure of time was our nearly inescapable awareness of an approaching terminus—the bell about to ring, the holiday about to end, the going down from Oxford foreseen. We had dreamed of Grey Goose as a way to escape the pressure of time, though no one escapes entirely. Life itself is pressured by death, the final terminus.”
Michael was always creating moments made eternity for us, embarking on spontaneous creative collaborations; driving us to a mountaintop to watch shooting stars; riding shopping carts in the middle of the night; building a fort for us to spend the evening in; or DJing playlists he’d curated to capture a specific mood or theme.
At the beginning of each of my days, he would read me the memes he’d collected, articles he’d saved, and headlines for content he thought I’d find valuable for my work while I fed the kitties, prepared his breakfast, and did morning chores. We always had one or more books in progress, and he would read chapters to me while I cooked.
He often saved up short videos he thought I would appreciate and would force me to stop or delay working to sit down and watch them (he was always trying to get me to relax and enjoy some recreational time since I am such an incorrigible workaholic).
Sometimes, we would watch a film for special occasions like birthdays or our anniversary, and other times, he’d spring a random surprise on me. Mike Leigh was our favorite director for many years, and one weekend, we marathoned through our favorite Mike Leigh films (High Hopes, Naked, Secrets & Lies, Life Is Sweet, and Nuts in May), for example.
Earlier this year, Michael told me he had picked out a show for us to watch. This was a big deal because we’ve barely watched any shows over the past several years. He said it wasn’t what I was expecting but that I’d be glad once we started it. He intentionally chose something he thought I couldn’t turn into work as my tendency is to convert all time spent doing anything into grist for my Substack.
Michael had me sit down, and then he started playing … Alien Nation. This was an old favorite show of ours we hadn’t watched for years. He’d found a YouTube channel that had posted a playlist of all the shows and movies so decided to queue it up.
The series had been on our minds ever since Gary Graham had died on January 22, 2024, which made rewatching it bittersweet and left us sobbing even harder at some of the more poignant scenes.
And, of course, I did find a way to tie it into my writing. Below are the notes I sketched out for a future essay:
lessons on slavery, power, propaganda, and resistance
the slaves [“cargo”] are kept submissive via a gas [television, media, propaganda] that permeates the ship
families are kept separated; children taken away and brainwashed
fear is further used to terrorize them into compliance
the tattoos on the wrists of the overseers [Kleezantsun] give them immunity to the gas
some slaves develop a resistance to the gas [able to see through the propaganda] and thus are able to form an underground Resistance
We squeezed in two or three episodes before getting swept away by work again, but then I suffered a debilitating back injury, and Michael suggested watching Alien Nation to distract me from the pain.
And it worked. Sitting or lying down was too agonizing, so as we watched, I constantly shifted between standing, crouching, and walking in place while wearing ice packs or a heated massage belt.
Sleeping was nearly impossible because lying down exacerbated my pain exponentially. I eventually figured out I could sleep in the recliner, but it would take half an hour for me to scoot in a millimeter at a time, and sometimes Michael would have to hold the back of the recliner down while I scooched in and positioned myself. Because getting in and out of the recliner was such a painful and time-consuming ordeal, I couldn’t get up to go potty or do anything else until I was ready to get up for the day. So on several mornings, we watched Alien Nation while I was still frozen in the recliner, and that felt like a luxury even though my bladder was bursting and I knew I would need to get up eventually.
If it weren’t for my back injury, we probably would never have finished watching Alien Nation, and now I’m grateful I have that memory of us enjoying one of our most cherished shows together.
I can’t recall when it was, but I believe the last film we watched together was A Man Called Ove, which turns out to have been tragically appropriate.
Our favorite K-drama is the 2018 Mother, and I remember Michael describing the character of Jeong Jin Hong (played by Lee Jae Yoon) as “the perfect man,” which echoed my exact thoughts at the moment we were watching it, hence my choice of that character to represent “sensitive yet strong, humble yet confident, cautious yet courageous,” which describes Michael as well. (Note that it was impossible to find an isolated clip, so I just jumped to a representative scene in the full episode and suggest you stop after that scene to avoid spoilers.)
Sadly, I can only find the first four episodes of the English-subtitled version of Mother. It is no longer available on Viki or any other streaming platform as far as I can tell. (If anyone can find a way to watch the full series, that would be a wonderful gift as it hurts me to think yet another piece of our history may be lost to me.)
Equally dear to us is the 2006 BBC series Life on Mars. If I were to choose one show to watch as I grieve Michael’s absence, it would probably be this one. It would splinter my heart into even more shards, but it would reassemble those shards into a dazzling mosaic, so it might be worth it, especially if the experience were shared with someone I love, like my mother (although Mother would, naturally, be my first choice to watch with her).
As you read “How to Build a Joyful Marriage,” you may be tempted to race through the lines of the poem and skip the videos. That’s what I would have done before I got the harshest wake-up call of my life.
But what if you used this as an opportunity to create moments made eternity with your beloved, if you have one, or with someone else you love?
Or you could relish this experiential odyssey on your own and pick out favorites to share with someone special, perhaps spreading it out over multiple days to create one moment made eternity after another.
If you do go through this post with a loved one, you will be able to reflect on this experience later, a priceless treasure if the other is no longer present.
You will also gain an inkling of insight into some of the shorthand Michael and I used to communicate with one another, instantly conveying dimensions of meaning only we understood. For example, one of us would merely need to utter, “I’ll take the turkey,” and we would immediately know that meant someone is making a heroic, self-sacrificial gesture of love in a deceptively ordinary way.
To set the mood for this intellectual, emotional, spiritual, psychological, and philosophical adventure, I recommend starting by previewing this clip from Smoke in which Auggie reveals the key to not only appreciating art but, more importantly, life:
“You’ll never get it if you don’t slow down.”
Having rushed my way through most of life, I have learned this lesson in the most agonizing way imaginable, even though it is one Michael spent our marriage trying to teach me.
Instead of attempting to accomplish a million things quickly, consider doing a few meaningful things slowly, thoughtfully, with all of your present being.
If you do that with this post, you will be deepened, as will your present and future relationships.
You will laugh, you will cry, you will smile, you will float.
You will be thought-provoked, convicted, informed, and inspired.
Then consider choosing one of these films or shows to watch with your partner or whomever you want to create memories with.
And if you enjoy that, pick another from the list at the end that appeals to you and create more moments made eternity as you enrich your lexicon for communication with your loved one.
Then extend that practice to reading books and articles aloud to one another. Add in music, too, by curating playlists of emotional journeys for each other.
Remember, every strand of shared experience strengthens your relationship.
If you are pragmatic like me and feel you don’t have time for fun activities like this, consider how much you will regret losing the opportunity to experience something soul-expanding with the person you love most once it’s too late.
Quality time was Michael’s love language, and I only wish I had given him more of it while I could.
Live every day as if it might be your last together, and you won’t have regrets when the last day comes.
Viewing Notes
*The asterisk after the linked text indicates spoiler alerts, so if you haven’t seen that particular film or show, you may want to skip it (but add it to your to-watch list and come back later to enjoy the clip after you’ve seen it).
†The dagger (obelisk) indicates a clip may appear the same as a previous one but jumps to a different part to illustrate the particular line in the poem. This was necessary in some cases because there are pitifully few clips of that film or show available.
‡The double dagger indicates you only need to watch the scene where the clip starts playing as it is part of a longer video that may contain spoilers later.
How to Build a Joyful Marriage
by Margaret Anna Alice
Find someone …
whose smile is your sunshine.
whose favorite sound is your laughter.
who sparks your creativity.
who accomplishes meaningful things with you.
who shares your taste* in books, films, and music.
who stores up treasures to show you.
who sees seagulls as glorious birds.
who is awestruck by the majesty of nature.
who never loses his sense of wonder.
who reveals the grandeur of life to you.
who makes every day feel epic.
who shares your values, passion, and purpose.
who is sensitive yet strong, humble yet confident, cautious yet courageous‡.
who values wisdom above all else.
who loves learning.
who isn’t afraid to grow.
who prizes art over commerce.
who has invigorating conversations with you.
who inspires you to read.
who picks out flowers with you.
who slams poetry with you.
who knows you’re not nothing.
who sees you* when no one else does.
who never tires of your company.
who wants to marry you again.
who hugs, kisses, and tells you he loves you every day.
who surprises and delights you.
who cares as much as you do about the littlest things.
who wakes from a dead sleep to fix you eggs.
who helps you find happiness even though the world ain’t ever gonna be perfect.
who keeps learning the games you play as quickly as you change them.
who remains calm in a crisis.
who shows you don’t need to be scared.
whose resilience strengthens your own*.
who can fix anything.
who repairs the furnace for you.
who appreciates your hobbies.
who shares your bibliophila.
who helps you escape the Nowhere Road.
who gives you the confidence to pursue your dreams.
who brings out your best self*.
who knows the difference between reality and illusion.
who helps you wake up.
who picks up Huggies for you.
who performs synchronized dream sequences with you.
who fends off cannibals for you.
who pushes you outside your comfort zone.
who makes you swoon.
who feels sick with longing for you.
who makes the world go silent.
who is so smitten with your beauty, it gags him.
who feels rapturous about you.
who would rather be with you* than anyone else in the world.
who falls in love you with you all over.
who creates memories with you.
who respects, admires, and trusts you.
who catches moonlight for you.
who takes a cosmic ride* with you.
who helps you shake off the mean reds.
who shares your special kind of lunacy.
who dares you to do things you’ve never done before.
who intellectually spars with you.
who slays the competition* with you.
who weaves a tapestry of inside jokes† with you.
who makes life FUN.
who pulls pranks with you.
who dances seriously.
who teaches you the cha-cha-cha‡.
who makes you laugh at clouds.
who sings silly songs with you.
who giggles with you.
who wants to watch Kung Fu with you.
who is endearingly quirky.
who loves your nonhuman babies as much as you do.
who helps you overcome your neuroses.
who upstands for you.
who makes you feel cocky.
who knits booties for your ill friends.
who scales Mt. Rushmore* for you.
who galvanizes you to expose corruption.
who reminds you to get busy living.
who emboldens you to L-I-V-E!
who shows you what to stay alive for.
who would be honored to sacrifice his life for yours.
who drowns out the nonsense.
who makes you twist and shout.
who buys you a heart cookie*.
who makes life feel enchanted.
who understands what winning* looks like.
who is the most unselfish person you’ve ever met.
who helps you wise up.
who stands by you* when no one else will.
who eats your inadequately cooked turkey.
who’s willing to forgive you*.
who plays gin rummy* with you.
who wants to name a cat* with you.
who makes you slow down.
who asks to share your pain.
who dreams of making a family with you.
who chooses to grow old along with you*.
who spends the last night* with you.
who immortalizes your eternal summer.
who will be your best friend longer than forever*.
who believes you have best-quality heart.
who holds you when you fear you’re going mad.
whose enveloping embrace melts away the grief.
whose most cherished scent is you.
who heals your shattered heart*.
whose death is your deepest fear, without whom you feel hollowed, sundered, inconsolable.
who would rather die than say goodbye* to you.
who will hold your hand until the end.
who will stay with you for eternity*.
whom you can be all of the above for in return.
whom you cannot bear to live without* …
but must*.
*Spoiler alert.
†The clip preview looks the same as a previous one but jumps to a different part.
‡You only need to watch the scene where the clip starts playing as it is part of a longer video that may contain spoilers later.
Below is the poem sans embeds for those who wish to read it unadorned.
How to Build a Joyful Marriage
by Margaret Anna Alice
Find someone …
whose smile is your sunshine.
whose favorite sound is your laughter.
who sparks your creativity.
who accomplishes meaningful things with you.
who shares your taste* in books, films, and music.
who stores up treasures to show you.
who sees seagulls as glorious birds.
who is awestruck by the majesty of nature.
who never loses his sense of wonder.
who reveals the grandeur of life to you.
who makes every day feel epic.
who shares your values, passion, and purpose.
who is sensitive yet strong, humble yet confident, cautious yet courageous‡.
who values wisdom above all else.
who loves learning.
who isn’t afraid to grow.
who prizes art over commerce.
who has invigorating conversations with you.
who inspires you to read.
who picks out flowers with you.
who slams poetry with you.
who knows you’re not nothing.
who sees you* when no one else does.
who never tires of your company.
who wants to marry you again.
who hugs, kisses, and tells you he loves you every day.
who surprises and delights you.
who cares as much as you do about the littlest things.
who wakes from a dead sleep to fix you eggs.
who helps you find happiness even though the world ain’t ever gonna be perfect.
who keeps learning the games you play as quickly as you change them.
who remains calm in a crisis.
who shows you don’t need to be scared.
whose resilience strengthens your own*.
who can fix anything.
who repairs the furnace for you.
who appreciates your hobbies.
who shares your bibliophila.
who helps you escape the Nowhere Road.
who gives you the confidence to pursue your dreams.
who brings out your best self*.
who knows the difference between reality and illusion.
who helps you wake up.
who picks up Huggies for you.
who performs synchronized dream sequences with you.
who fends off cannibals for you.
who pushes you outside your comfort zone.
who makes you swoon.
who feels sick with longing for you.
who makes the world go silent.
who is so smitten with your beauty, it gags him.
who feels rapturous about you.
who would rather be with you* than anyone else in the world.
who falls in love you with you all over.
who creates memories with you.
who respects, admires, and trusts you.
who catches moonlight for you.
who takes a cosmic ride* with you.
who helps you shake off the mean reds.
who shares your special kind of lunacy.
who dares you to do things you’ve never done before.
who intellectually spars with you.
who slays the competition* with you.
who weaves a tapestry of inside jokes† with you.
who makes life FUN.
who pulls pranks with you.
who dances seriously.
who teaches you the cha-cha-cha‡.
who makes you laugh at clouds.
who sings silly songs with you.
who giggles with you.
who wants to watch Kung Fu with you.
who is endearingly quirky.
who loves your nonhuman babies as much as you do.
who helps you overcome your neuroses.
who upstands for you.
who makes you feel cocky.
who knits booties for your ill friends.
who scales Mt. Rushmore* for you.
who galvanizes you to expose corruption.
who reminds you to get busy living.
who emboldens you to L-I-V-E!
who shows you what to stay alive for.
who would be honored to sacrifice his life for yours.
who drowns out the nonsense.
who makes you twist and shout.
who buys you a heart cookie*.
who makes life feel enchanted.
who understands what winning* looks like.
who is the most unselfish person you’ve ever met.
who helps you wise up.
who stands by you* when no one else will.
who eats your inadequately cooked turkey.
who’s willing to forgive you*.
who plays gin rummy* with you.
who wants to name a cat* with you.
who makes you slow down.
who asks to share your pain.
who dreams of making a family with you.
who chooses to grow old along with you*.
who spends the last night* with you.
who immortalizes your eternal summer.
who will be your best friend longer than forever*.
who believes you have best-quality heart.
who holds you when you fear you’re going mad.
whose enveloping embrace melts away the grief.
whose most cherished scent is you.
who heals your shattered heart*.
whose death is your deepest fear, without whom you feel
hollowed, sundered, inconsolable.
who would rather die than say goodbye* to you.
who will hold your hand until the end.
who will stay with you for eternity*.
whom you can be all of the above for in return.
whom you cannot bear to live without* …
but must*.
Movies & Shows Featured in the Poem
The Twilight Zone: “The Trade-Ins,” Season 3
Our #1 Movies Chronologically
The films below occupied our number-one spot at different points in our relationship, with Big Night and Little Miss Sunshine holding the titles for the longest periods and Little Miss Sunshine being the ultimate winner retrospectively because of its Apocaloptimistic ethos.
Note: This list is not comprehensive as the post only includes favorite films and shows relevant to the lines in the poem. I am also omitting shows because I’ve only cited a few, and all of them (Mother, Alien Nation, Enlightened, and Life on Mars) were number-ones at some point.
The following are runners-up because we may have felt they were our number-one for a spell, but others edged them out over time.
Movies with Pairings We Saw Ourselves In
Trust (Matthew & Maria)
Big Night (Primo & Secondo)
Fargo (Norm & Marge)
High Hopes (Cyril & Shirley)
What About You?
What are some of the films, shows, and other experiences that bond you with the beloveds in your life? Share your moments made eternity in the comments.
One note of caution: Don’t judge your partner by my list. These are qualities that matter to me, almost all of which I found in Michael, but your list will be different. Indeed, you may want to make your own and give it to your loved one(s) while you still can—not just romantic partners but also parents, grandparents, children, whomever you wish to show appreciation for. Focus on the characteristics and behaviors you are grateful for and what makes your love uniquely yours. And remember, relationships are reciprocal, so the list isn’t just about what you want in your loved one but also what you can be to and do for that person.
© Margaret Anna Alice, LLC
💔 Gratitude for Your Healing Words 💓
I want to thank every blessed one of you who left beautiful, compassionate, poignant, heartrending, wise, tender, and gracious comments on my post about Michael.
I was tempted to reply to so many of them, but if I responded to one, I would have felt compelled to respond to them all, and even just one reply would have taken more out of me than I could spare as I need all my strength to make it through each moment. I have not even been able to bring myself to speak on the phone with many of my family members and closest friends as I can barely get a word out without erupting into tears.
I still have hundreds of people to tell but have scarcely made a dent. Every retelling reopens the wound, but it also applies a healing salve as the kindness pours in.
I have been deeply moved by those of you who have reached out to me privately, sharing your own devastating experiences of loss and grief. So many of you have been suffering silently, and I feel honored to listen to your own stories of harrowing heartbreak.
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That was incredibly beautiful. So sorry for your heartache and for how your life has changed. How selfless and kind of you to share this excellent advice and your personal experiences. Wish there was a way to send you a hug.
I’ve thought of you over the last few weeks; wondering how you were doing as you process the loss of Michael. I’m so glad you’re finding many deeply meaningful ways to remember him….thank you for sharing them with us. It sounds like you were both blessed to have each other. Praying that you will continue to find comfort in those special memories, even as they may often bring you to tears. 💕