That was incredibly beautiful. So sorry for your heartache and for how your life has changed. How selfless and kind of you to share this excellent advice and your personal experiences. Wish there was a way to send you a hug.
I’ve thought of you over the last few weeks; wondering how you were doing as you process the loss of Michael. I’m so glad you’re finding many deeply meaningful ways to remember him….thank you for sharing them with us. It sounds like you were both blessed to have each other. Praying that you will continue to find comfort in those special memories, even as they may often bring you to tears. 💕
I will watch your entire list one day when I have time to spend hours with you. I think I have the same gift you had. My husband Mike and I have a great gift - we share the same heart. Just like you and Michael did. I think what you wrote is the greatest life lesson I have ever seen. You might want to add Big Fish to your list of movies. The song by Pearl Jam - The Man of the Hour - is a great tribute to all the great men we have known and loved. The depth of your heart is a wonder to behold. You are a gift to the world, and what you have lost is beyond sad. I keep everything you write, and think of you often. As an empath, I put myself in your position and truly feel that I feel your pain, even though I have never met you. We are cat lovers too. And Mike is the music sommelier, paring the music for our dinners together. I’m sure you will keep the music alive in your life. It’s so important to curate your life with music. Kurt Vonnegut said that no matter how evil the world gets, the music will always be great. We put together a three hour compilation of Sad Songs that we listen to whenever tragedy strikes, like the death of a cat or a relative. We just sit there in the dark and cry and dredge our souls. If your eyes leak, your head won’t swell. A big hug from me.
I am very impressed that , in the shadow of your partner's very recent demise, you are this productive. My desk is still a mess after considerable personal losses a year and a half ago. I just can't seem to collect myself. Yours is an example of a genuine integrity I can only dream of re-acquiring....someday....maybe. You are definitely not Humpty-Dumpty. (The horses and men are still working on me :)
MAA, OMG. I had missed your prior piece -- it just never showed in my Stack for one of those "we'll never know" reasons. I went back and read it and cried -- and I am someone who has been involved in countless deaths at this point, sadly. (Every one a medical failure by some measure.)
I cannot tell you how much my heart aches for you and how, while it sounds empty, you need to know that more people that you can count are sending you thoughts and prayers that, in some not-understood way, seem to help, however difficult that is. I long ago concluded there was nothing good about death -- even though we all get there eventually. It is less the state of the deceased (yes, some were in pain and now they hurt no more) and not even the pain of the loss -- It is the finality of the loss that is most devastating.
Michael will live on in your heart and head and soul. You will discover that you can and will consult him as if he were there in body and you will be answered. And as long as you and others remember him, he will live on for a very long time.
If I could do anything to make things better, you need only ask. In the meanwhile, we will all share your grief and continue to be uplifted by what you write and think.
I'm sorry for your loss. It's great to be absolutely certain that we will meet again with our loved ones after death.
Atheists and agnostics would start to find answers in peer-reviewed Near Death Experiences. Consciousness, intelligence, will, are all spiritual properties of the spiritual immortal soul. How do we know that? some of the blind from birth see in colors for the first time when they are brain dead (no electricity, no activity, no bloodflow, no oxygen) and also no heartbeat and no breathing. The same happens with some of the deaf: they listen for the first time to conversations around or if they go up, even celestial music!
“there are characteristic features that are commonly observed in NDEs. These characteristics include a perception of seeing and hearing apart from the physical body, passing into or through a tunnel, encountering a mystical light, intense and generally positive emotions, a review of part or all of their prior life experiences, encountering deceased loved ones, and a choice to return to their earthly life.”
"God is love" says the Bible, the Word of God (1 John 4:7-12) Do you believe in love? then you believe in God. How do you prove love to yourself? If you prove love, you prove God! There’s no love without God, the source of all true love. He’s not only the love of my life, He’s the life of my love!
Jesus said “I’m... the life.” (John 14:16)
“God gives life to everything.” (1 Timothy 6, 13)
Do you believe in life? You prove life, you prove God, eternal life, source of all life:
That is where you should start your journey of discovery, but first pray: "God, life of my love, if you exist, please show me the way to find the bliss of knowing You"
or even better:
Think this with your heart: “Jesus, if you are the Son of God, I consecrate my heart to your Heart. Please send me the Holy Spirit so I can see Truth and have the courage to convert and follow Him wherever He leads”
Mathematical proof of God’s mind
Who could have imagined that mathematical images could be so beautiful?:
If you want to find the true Church, among 40 thousand denominations, start reading the writings of the first Christians, before the Roman Empire turned Catholic, like Augustine of Hippo (start with Confessions):
You'll discover which Church is the most faithful to the Bible and early Christianity before the Roman Empire. Hint: which religion you would belong to, if you were born 600 years ago, continuing uninterruptedly the teachings held by the early Christians?
Thank you for sharing this. What a wonderful tribute. The scene from Smoke is one of my all time favourite movie scenes, Thanks. And revisiting some movies and TV series I haven't though about in years, Ghost Dog, Life On Mars.....
Living in Japan for most of my life, a lot of those important cultural touchstones were new to me. But not Smoke. I've seen it twice, and it is a beautiful piece of art ... captures so much of what we can do, what we should do, in a world in which we are all blind, and not.
This made me cry, but not for reasons one might think after reading such a beautiful compilation. I cried because my husband suffers from depression and very little of these apply to our marriage and interactions with each other. The weight has fallen upon me to discover joy, present it to him and hope it is enough to keep him going. In depression, both suffer.
So sorry to hear this. May you find a way to bring more joy to your marriage and your husband. I wonder if something a friend shared with me decades ago will help: Depression is anger turned inward. It was a wakeup call for me, a first step out of being stuck and unhappy.
I never married, but have observed among my friends, so many who do, yet are far, far away from what Margaret and Michael shared. And yet, they persisted. I suppose out of the banal necessities of survival, if not really living. And even then, perhaps reason is not the most important variable underlying most of what we do.
I am enough of a dreamer, that if I could not have aspired to a relationship approaching the likes of Margaret and Michael's, I would remain single, spread what little idealism I have left among my few friends, and hope to die suddenly and alone so as not to be a burden to others ... 'pin pin korari' ... (in Japanese, a mixture of onomatopoeia and the image of a cockroach suddenly flipping on its backside and expiring) ... but still full of dreams.
Cheers Crixcyon, and thanks for inspiring some thought.
I am going to savor this over many days, one clip at a time. Little Miss Sunshine is also my favorite movie. I'm so touched by your relationship and will send this to my married daughter. I feel like I'm gleaning little bits of your radiance in getting to spend this anniversary with you. What a treasure you both are, and what a densely woven tapestry of threads. The quote, that you can find what the other likes in anything if you look hard enough, is so poignantly true.
Hmm ... I seem to have missed "Little Miss Sunshine" while here in Japan. But "Dead Poets Society" and its twin, "Good Will Hunting" are near the top of my short list.
As hard as these days have been, you have returned your sorrow with the gift of Michael to us all. Some where in the great courage that we all know you have, you have shown us a beautiful testimony to the life you and Michael had. The best we can, we share in your loss. May your days be filled with sweet memories of Michael. May peace be your ever companion. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.
My list would be different. You and Michael were obviously soulmates from the start. Oksana and I are very different people united by our love for our children. Which I happen to have written about yesterday on my Substack.
My observation is that the professional marriages in my former neighborhood of Bethesda turned out far better when he focused on his career (law professor, NIH scientist, World Bank) and she on the children. Every pair in which both strived for career success broke up. Remarkably few of their children are married, remarkably many are gay or whatever.
God bless you. You were lucky. I'll stick with my observation that children are strong glue to hold dissimilar people (which men and women are bound to be) together.
Thank you for sharing some of these beautiful moments with Michael. You are allowing us all experience some of his joyful light. I love the way he nurtured you. I will save this post and hopefully get to share some of these ideas with someone. You included a clip from my all time favorite film, Harold and Maude. Everything I need to remember about life is in that film. There is not a wasted moment. The cast is fabulous. So funny, so deep.
I believe that all of those beautiful threads of shared experience still exist, and that you will forever speak to each other over those wires. ♾️♥️
So much of this speaks to me which makes my heart equal parts ache for you and appreciate how lucky I am. I already had a concept for what you describe as "moments made eternity" when my own journey required me to learn to better appreciate the moment instead of forever panicking about things great and small. I found Dr Breggin's book on anxiety very helpful for this.
My other half and I greatly enjoy watching shows together and taking the time to talk about them. Currently we're in the middle of watching Gotham because she thought a character from Batman TAS was interesting so I suggested it. It's incredibly heartwarming to learn each other's tastes and be able to recall something that might really hit that theme/niche. Another great one was when she realized that showing me Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood was a great opportunity to explore some of the ideas that we had discussed in the past. We're also huge transformers fan so we're really looking forward to the new movie coming out.
What I love so much about this treasure you've shared is that I believe this is a message that needs to be better understood by young men. It's immensely more important to be loving than to "be alpha" or whatever the current meme is. That requires a completely different set of skills and attitudes than what is easily accessible in the mainstream.
"Who isn't afraid to grow" / "Can change" now THAT really hits close to home.
As somebody doing a lot of changing and growing it can be terrifying and ultimately requires a great deal of trust, and I am very happy that I'm in a position to have that trust.
(Edit: Thanks again for the inclusion! I'm honored!)
That was incredibly beautiful. So sorry for your heartache and for how your life has changed. How selfless and kind of you to share this excellent advice and your personal experiences. Wish there was a way to send you a hug.
Amy, so beautifully stated. I feel the same way.
I’ve thought of you over the last few weeks; wondering how you were doing as you process the loss of Michael. I’m so glad you’re finding many deeply meaningful ways to remember him….thank you for sharing them with us. It sounds like you were both blessed to have each other. Praying that you will continue to find comfort in those special memories, even as they may often bring you to tears. 💕
I will watch your entire list one day when I have time to spend hours with you. I think I have the same gift you had. My husband Mike and I have a great gift - we share the same heart. Just like you and Michael did. I think what you wrote is the greatest life lesson I have ever seen. You might want to add Big Fish to your list of movies. The song by Pearl Jam - The Man of the Hour - is a great tribute to all the great men we have known and loved. The depth of your heart is a wonder to behold. You are a gift to the world, and what you have lost is beyond sad. I keep everything you write, and think of you often. As an empath, I put myself in your position and truly feel that I feel your pain, even though I have never met you. We are cat lovers too. And Mike is the music sommelier, paring the music for our dinners together. I’m sure you will keep the music alive in your life. It’s so important to curate your life with music. Kurt Vonnegut said that no matter how evil the world gets, the music will always be great. We put together a three hour compilation of Sad Songs that we listen to whenever tragedy strikes, like the death of a cat or a relative. We just sit there in the dark and cry and dredge our souls. If your eyes leak, your head won’t swell. A big hug from me.
"The depth of your heart is a wonder to behold. You are a gift to the world.."
So agree and in service still during such grief.
Sorry for your loss as well, Gwaihir. Beautiful image - curating life with music.
I am very impressed that , in the shadow of your partner's very recent demise, you are this productive. My desk is still a mess after considerable personal losses a year and a half ago. I just can't seem to collect myself. Yours is an example of a genuine integrity I can only dream of re-acquiring....someday....maybe. You are definitely not Humpty-Dumpty. (The horses and men are still working on me :)
(grimly smiling) ... I see a lot of myself in your response, John Robinson.
Exactly, John. Another level or category all together. (As well the relationship being mourned, most of us won't experience that.)
MAA, OMG. I had missed your prior piece -- it just never showed in my Stack for one of those "we'll never know" reasons. I went back and read it and cried -- and I am someone who has been involved in countless deaths at this point, sadly. (Every one a medical failure by some measure.)
I cannot tell you how much my heart aches for you and how, while it sounds empty, you need to know that more people that you can count are sending you thoughts and prayers that, in some not-understood way, seem to help, however difficult that is. I long ago concluded there was nothing good about death -- even though we all get there eventually. It is less the state of the deceased (yes, some were in pain and now they hurt no more) and not even the pain of the loss -- It is the finality of the loss that is most devastating.
Michael will live on in your heart and head and soul. You will discover that you can and will consult him as if he were there in body and you will be answered. And as long as you and others remember him, he will live on for a very long time.
If I could do anything to make things better, you need only ask. In the meanwhile, we will all share your grief and continue to be uplifted by what you write and think.
R
I'm sorry for your loss. It's great to be absolutely certain that we will meet again with our loved ones after death.
Atheists and agnostics would start to find answers in peer-reviewed Near Death Experiences. Consciousness, intelligence, will, are all spiritual properties of the spiritual immortal soul. How do we know that? some of the blind from birth see in colors for the first time when they are brain dead (no electricity, no activity, no bloodflow, no oxygen) and also no heartbeat and no breathing. The same happens with some of the deaf: they listen for the first time to conversations around or if they go up, even celestial music!
“there are characteristic features that are commonly observed in NDEs. These characteristics include a perception of seeing and hearing apart from the physical body, passing into or through a tunnel, encountering a mystical light, intense and generally positive emotions, a review of part or all of their prior life experiences, encountering deceased loved ones, and a choice to return to their earthly life.”
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6172100/
5 peer reviewed experiences (among dozens):
https://www.magiscenter.com/blog/credible-near-death-experience-stories
Struck by lighting and came back from near-death to tell us about how we will be Judged:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xx5gCAmR4Ss
"God is love" says the Bible, the Word of God (1 John 4:7-12) Do you believe in love? then you believe in God. How do you prove love to yourself? If you prove love, you prove God! There’s no love without God, the source of all true love. He’s not only the love of my life, He’s the life of my love!
Jesus said “I’m... the life.” (John 14:16)
“God gives life to everything.” (1 Timothy 6, 13)
Do you believe in life? You prove life, you prove God, eternal life, source of all life:
https://www.openbible.info/topics/god_is_life
That is where you should start your journey of discovery, but first pray: "God, life of my love, if you exist, please show me the way to find the bliss of knowing You"
or even better:
Think this with your heart: “Jesus, if you are the Son of God, I consecrate my heart to your Heart. Please send me the Holy Spirit so I can see Truth and have the courage to convert and follow Him wherever He leads”
Mathematical proof of God’s mind
Who could have imagined that mathematical images could be so beautiful?:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OlD2rcm971U
Movie Review: After Death
https://www.catholic365.com/article/32264/movie-review-after-death.html
Scientific proof of God and the soul:
http://www.catholic365.com/article/26227/scientific-proof-of-god-and-the-immortal-soul.html
Scientific proof of religion
https://www.quora.com/What-do-you-think-really-happens-after-we-die/answers/46502105
What do you believe comes after death (Science backs religion)?
https://www.quora.com/What-do-you-believe-comes-after-death/answer/Federico-A-Nazar
https://www.quora.com/What-do-you-think-really-happens-after-we-die/answers/46502105
Which Christian denomination is more Biblical?
https://www.quora.com/Which-is-the-true-Christianity-Protestantism-or-Catholicism/answer/Federico-A-Nazar
Why aren't atheists convinced by miracles which happened, and are scientifically proven?
https://www.quora.com/Why-arent-atheists-convinced-by-miracles-which-happened-and-are-scientifically-proven/answer/Federico-A-Nazar
If you want to find the true Church, among 40 thousand denominations, start reading the writings of the first Christians, before the Roman Empire turned Catholic, like Augustine of Hippo (start with Confessions):
https://www.augustinus.it/links/inglese/opere.htm
Irenaeus of Lyon, etc.:
https://ccel.org/fathers
You'll discover which Church is the most faithful to the Bible and early Christianity before the Roman Empire. Hint: which religion you would belong to, if you were born 600 years ago, continuing uninterruptedly the teachings held by the early Christians?
Thank you for sharing this. What a wonderful tribute. The scene from Smoke is one of my all time favourite movie scenes, Thanks. And revisiting some movies and TV series I haven't though about in years, Ghost Dog, Life On Mars.....
https://robinsweb.com/inspiration/prophet.html
Living in Japan for most of my life, a lot of those important cultural touchstones were new to me. But not Smoke. I've seen it twice, and it is a beautiful piece of art ... captures so much of what we can do, what we should do, in a world in which we are all blind, and not.
Beautiful tribute MAA , if you’re up to it , can u share a wedding photo?
This made me cry, but not for reasons one might think after reading such a beautiful compilation. I cried because my husband suffers from depression and very little of these apply to our marriage and interactions with each other. The weight has fallen upon me to discover joy, present it to him and hope it is enough to keep him going. In depression, both suffer.
So sorry to hear this. May you find a way to bring more joy to your marriage and your husband. I wonder if something a friend shared with me decades ago will help: Depression is anger turned inward. It was a wakeup call for me, a first step out of being stuck and unhappy.
Quite a list. I suppose there isn't much reason to be married if there isn't much joy to it.
Intriguing thought Crixcyon.
I never married, but have observed among my friends, so many who do, yet are far, far away from what Margaret and Michael shared. And yet, they persisted. I suppose out of the banal necessities of survival, if not really living. And even then, perhaps reason is not the most important variable underlying most of what we do.
I am enough of a dreamer, that if I could not have aspired to a relationship approaching the likes of Margaret and Michael's, I would remain single, spread what little idealism I have left among my few friends, and hope to die suddenly and alone so as not to be a burden to others ... 'pin pin korari' ... (in Japanese, a mixture of onomatopoeia and the image of a cockroach suddenly flipping on its backside and expiring) ... but still full of dreams.
Cheers Crixcyon, and thanks for inspiring some thought.
I am going to savor this over many days, one clip at a time. Little Miss Sunshine is also my favorite movie. I'm so touched by your relationship and will send this to my married daughter. I feel like I'm gleaning little bits of your radiance in getting to spend this anniversary with you. What a treasure you both are, and what a densely woven tapestry of threads. The quote, that you can find what the other likes in anything if you look hard enough, is so poignantly true.
Hmm ... I seem to have missed "Little Miss Sunshine" while here in Japan. But "Dead Poets Society" and its twin, "Good Will Hunting" are near the top of my short list.
(We are also Little Miss Sunshine fans. O)
As hard as these days have been, you have returned your sorrow with the gift of Michael to us all. Some where in the great courage that we all know you have, you have shown us a beautiful testimony to the life you and Michael had. The best we can, we share in your loss. May your days be filled with sweet memories of Michael. May peace be your ever companion. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.
My list would be different. You and Michael were obviously soulmates from the start. Oksana and I are very different people united by our love for our children. Which I happen to have written about yesterday on my Substack.
My observation is that the professional marriages in my former neighborhood of Bethesda turned out far better when he focused on his career (law professor, NIH scientist, World Bank) and she on the children. Every pair in which both strived for career success broke up. Remarkably few of their children are married, remarkably many are gay or whatever.
God bless you. You were lucky. I'll stick with my observation that children are strong glue to hold dissimilar people (which men and women are bound to be) together.
https://grahamseibert.substack.com/p/forming-functional-adults-teaching
Interesting observation Graham.
That seems to be the template over here in Japan.
Cheers!
A most beautiful tribute to Michael and to all who have ever loved deeply.
Thank you for sharing some of these beautiful moments with Michael. You are allowing us all experience some of his joyful light. I love the way he nurtured you. I will save this post and hopefully get to share some of these ideas with someone. You included a clip from my all time favorite film, Harold and Maude. Everything I need to remember about life is in that film. There is not a wasted moment. The cast is fabulous. So funny, so deep.
I believe that all of those beautiful threads of shared experience still exist, and that you will forever speak to each other over those wires. ♾️♥️
So much of this speaks to me which makes my heart equal parts ache for you and appreciate how lucky I am. I already had a concept for what you describe as "moments made eternity" when my own journey required me to learn to better appreciate the moment instead of forever panicking about things great and small. I found Dr Breggin's book on anxiety very helpful for this.
My other half and I greatly enjoy watching shows together and taking the time to talk about them. Currently we're in the middle of watching Gotham because she thought a character from Batman TAS was interesting so I suggested it. It's incredibly heartwarming to learn each other's tastes and be able to recall something that might really hit that theme/niche. Another great one was when she realized that showing me Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood was a great opportunity to explore some of the ideas that we had discussed in the past. We're also huge transformers fan so we're really looking forward to the new movie coming out.
What I love so much about this treasure you've shared is that I believe this is a message that needs to be better understood by young men. It's immensely more important to be loving than to "be alpha" or whatever the current meme is. That requires a completely different set of skills and attitudes than what is easily accessible in the mainstream.
"Who isn't afraid to grow" / "Can change" now THAT really hits close to home.
As somebody doing a lot of changing and growing it can be terrifying and ultimately requires a great deal of trust, and I am very happy that I'm in a position to have that trust.
(Edit: Thanks again for the inclusion! I'm honored!)