62 Comments

This was fantastically beautiful. All of us who have loved so very deeply and lost can relate to each and every story and expression of emotion you shared here. I listen you your story and am filled with thoughts of situations, events, and circumstances that created the exact emotions you describe. What I feel inside is the same but through different means. Perhaps the human experience can be similar and somehow connected to something bigger. It's so amazing to me so slip back in time and relive those emotions through you. They feel like old friends, strange old friends that awaken something inside that feels familiar. There's some strange comfort in thinking about it in retrospect. It's odd, I can't describe it in any way that can make sense. All I can say is someday you'll understand. There's a little something inside me you've jostled. Thank you. This past week I went down a memory hole as well. The week before I was away for a few days and spent the entire time with a ghost. It was somewhere we had been in the past and it felt ok. It didn't hurt. It felt good to remember and reflect. Thank you for writing this. Having said that, I would be remiss not to say.............I am so sorry you had to write this. I hope you continue to find a sense of peace. Be Well Margaret Anna Alice.

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What you described makes perfect—and poetic and poignant—sense to me, Steve. Thank you for the beautiful balm of your compassionate observations 🦋

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You're welcome!! I hope you get a warm kitty on your lap and sunshine in your face today!!

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You have a beautiful writing style. I always tear up when reading and thinking about your loss. Michael sounds like an incredible person and truly the love of your life. Rejoice in your memories and treasure the gift of love you two shared. Not many have that deep lasting love to share. May the memories bring comfort and the pain diminished ever so slowly.

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Thank you for your touching words and tender heart, dear Ruth 💓

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Dearest MAA,

Thank you for these beautiful, floating, gentle words. Thank you for taking us by the hand and guiding us through the extreme grief that only the truest of love knows. It hurts, my friend, to know your other half is missing. It hurts to know that you are alone in the chores, tasks and everyday "idiosyncrasies" that once were -in fact- shared and cherished moments in time for you and Michael. Thankfully he taught you to take these moments in as they took place, but it is clear to me that you also "recorded" them much like an ambidextrous artists draws with both hands at once.

Thank you for teaching us how to move forward when we know that you don't really feel like getting out of bed. Your example of courage is contagious for such an injured young man.

Cody and I love the both of you with every inch of our hearts. We could not be more grateful for you and Michael who loved Cody and cared for him when you did not have to. For Cody, just like Gary is "the dad he did not have to be," Michael was the uncle he did not have to be. His spirit and his love remains in our hearts and takes up a space filled with music and nature and the memories of all the little creatures we have loved. Michael lives there and fills us with peace and song.

Thank you for sharing your poignant thoughts and Michael's beautiful music today.

With the greatest of love, Heather, Gary, Jacob and Cody

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Dearest Heather,

You, Cody, Gary, and Jacob are beyond friends—you are family, and your selfless support of me during your own tragic challenges is further testament to your heroism and love. I am so grateful for your sisterhood and deeply touched to be aunt to courageous Cody.

Sending you all the greatest love back 🙏💞🤗

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As someone at stage 4 cancer, I worry about the lady I'm likely to leave behind.

May god bless your closest friends that they can give you the support you need.

💗💗💗

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Oh, Scott, I am so dearly sorry to hear about your diagnosis, but PLEASE don’t give up. My precious friend Tonika just beat stage 3 cancer within a year by defying her oncologist’s orders and pursuing her own alternative healing path:

https://visceraladventure.substack.com/p/i-cancer-can-can-denouement

Please look into Coley’s toxins (https://themariachiyears.substack.com/p/coleys-toxins-how-the-most-effective), fasting, low-carb diet, and Gerson therapy for starters. I’m sure Tonika would be happy to share resources if you reach out to her in the comments or via messages. See also these links:

https://makismd.substack.com/p/breaking-news-first-in-the-world

https://covid19criticalcare.com/reviews-and-monographs/cancer-care/

https://unbekoming.substack.com/p/cancer-and-the-new-biology-of-water

https://markstrainofthought.substack.com/p/cancer-protocol-from-rolandttg

https://unbekoming.substack.com/p/cancer-care

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Hi Margaret thanks for the help. I'm pretty sure ivermectin is defying my oncologists orders but I have yet to bring it up as big pharma would not approve.

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There is a pool of emotional pain within some of us, those of us who love deeply, that is seemingly bottomless...and for which there is no healing or resolution, as if we cried not only for one lifetime, but for an infinity of lifetimes and for ancient, accumulated, unresolved grief.

Most people do not want to go there, and shut the door close, in order to function and not lose their mind. Many do not open their heart completely to love, for fear of loss.

But for those whose heart has opened, the pain is very real, and always there...suppression does not equate elimination.

I wish I had an answer for it, but no meaningful answers or insights ever come, apart from the usual banalities, such as the one that states that lost ones are in a better place.

Although there is no death, only a transition into another dimension, what was will never be again, and the loss is always permanent.

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Your comments are always bursting with wisdom, empathy, and lyrical beauty, Raphael. Thank you for being here and sharing your spiritual insights.

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Thank you Margaret...and thank you for your own wisdom, sensitivity, eloquence and poetic soul.

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Thanks for sharing the music! I always wondered who wrote it.

Bless you…

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Thank you for appreciating it, Jenny 🤗

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Did he write any more songs?

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Yes, hundreds, all unreleased because he wanted to perfect the mixing and mastering first, which is what he was obsessively studying in the months preceding his death.

I used his music to score all of my videos, as I shared in this piece, which also includes “The Tension of Purpose”:

https://margaretannaalice.substack.com/p/ive-lost-half-of-me-pitched-past

The eulogy post features the piece I played at his service, “Mosquito’s Last Meal”:

https://margaretannaalice.substack.com/p/eulogy-for-the-patron-saint-of-insects

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Mahalo MAA from the Hawaiian Islands. I pray Our Heavenly Father wrap his Powerful and Mighty Arms around You to Maintain a Hedge of Protection to keep you Protected & Safe. May the Healing Blood of His Son Jesus Christ through His very Own Nail Scared Hands be placed upon you for Continued Assurance that Michael although Physically absent is now Constantly and Spirituality with You. He now has no physical limitations.

Like a Massive Wound that feels like it may never Heal, have Faith that God walks near you and is beside You and He still Knows and Orchestrates the time and speed of our Healing. Even while the Healing is taking place there will always be a scare for our remberance.

I too understand because I lost my 22 year old daughter in a hiking accident in Hawaii back in 2016 when she was home for Christmas break while earning her Masters in Criminal Justice in Seattle.

The Pain is Real the Scar is Real as I finish this text through the blurred vision of excess liquid in my eyes. I understand the "Greater the Pain" is only because of the "Greatness of the Love". So I now feel that our Healing actually will come from sharing of the Love we Had and Knew but have Lost. So now we share with others who are in similar situations of Loss...

I have now been Blessed with Four adopted daughters "Hānai". Two whose fathers passed away early in life, one whose parents divorced and the Father kept her Brother and Her Mother kept the three girls and the fourth Hānai daughter lost her Mother to a senseless random shooting when she was just 16 years of age, and is also the same age as my daughter and born only 15 days apart. Only our Heavenly Father can coordinate all of that.

God has helped me with my Healing of losing a daughter by helping to guide and walk with me through this lifes valley and now I'll try to share Love and Blessings with others and also to my Four adopted daughters. It will never be a replacement but it has Helped me in my Healing by sharing and giving of my life, time, energy and resources. Heaven doesn't take Cash, Checks, Charge or Crypto and my Daughter like Michael have unlimited credit. Amen...

Sending You Aloha, Love & Hugs MMA from the Islands, kyle

Sorry for rambling

Yesterday was a gift, from GOD...🤍

Today is an opportunity, allowed by GOD...🤍

Tomorrow never promised, except by the hands of GOD...🤍

Live Life, Love Others, & Leave no regrets... 💞⚘️

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I knew about the tragic loss of your daughter, Kyle, but I did not know the uplifting story of your healing adoptions, much less that one was born just fifteen days apart from your daughter. Thank you for modeling how to transform tragic loss into generous, healing love 💗

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Is Michael's composition Forgotten Keys meant to be played by a string ensemble of live musicians? I think that might add extra dimension to the piece.

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That would be the dream I hope to one day fulfill for this and Michael’s other instrumental compositions. Since composing “Forgotten Keys,” he had gotten more nuanced orchestral libraries and mixing and mastering plugins, and his intention was to replace the original instruments and hand-tweak each one to achieve as close a replica to human performances as possible.

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Your writing and Michael's music flow together so naturally, Margaret Anna. Thank you for elucidating your unique yet universal experience of loss. It is clear that his presence is with you still, in so many ways.

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Thank you so much for your own cherished presence and support throughout this journey, precious Zen 💕

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Your writing, Margaret, has become even more exquisite. I hope that someday you collect these into a book, although they'll miss the movie clips I've been enjoying. Thanks you for sharing your and Michael's little jokes-- pseudo-sodey, sleeper agent, Ain't No Sunshine. That lets me picture Michael singing it, such a belt-it-out song for a surely brief parting. You hoarded memories when it mattered, and now you seem fully present with your grief. You and your soggy eye pillow. You're a deep well, my friend. Many will be drawing on your heartfelt experience in the future. And I'm gobsmacked--Godsmacked as Mary's spellcheck cast it--by the quality of your commenters, who are so much a part of your piece that it's hard to tell where you end and they begin. Wishing you a peaceful heart and waves that don't knock you over.

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Thank you for your wholly present, heartfull comment, my dear sister Apocaloptimist, Tereza 💓 Your words are always infused with so much wit, wisdom, and wonder.

I love “Godsmacked” and will certainly remember that! And yes, I feel exceptionally blessed to have such brilliant, funny, compassionate, and loving commenters in my karass:

https://margaretannaalice.substack.com/p/letter-to-my-karass

I do plan to collect my Substack writings into books, but you hit on one of the pivotal challenges in that they will be lacking both the multimedia embeds and the hyperlinks (I could include the latter as footnotes, but nearly every word would be footnoted for some of my pieces! It’s likely simplest just to point to the original Substack pieces for the references, but that is risky in case something happens to Substack, and it would be nice to preserve the references in a non-electronic format just in case … perhaps as endnotes so it doesn’t clutter up the text).

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I also wanted to tell you how charming the image is of you and Michael walking to the mailbox every day holding hands. Each wearing your characteristic hats?

And in the risque movie banter on the train, which I thoroughly enjoyed, I wanted to tell you the part I found most shocking. He puts his sunglasses in his pocket WITH NO PROTECTION! Gasp! How did people live so carelessly back then?

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I’ve been thinking about you, wondering how you are as I get our home closed up for winter. And then you showed up in my inbox. It’s all so hard and I’m so sorry. I will continue keeping you in my thoughts.

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You are so gracious to continue holding me in your thoughts, Mary Ann 🙏💌

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So beautiful…and how it honors the memory of the man you loved so well. Thank you for sharing your honest, heart-felt words.

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Your perceptive comment touched my heart, Regina. Thank you for the gift of your words 💜

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Thank you for sharing your writing, your heart and Michael with us.... we are blessed and so shall you be! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

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Thank you for your kindness, sweet StellaMaris ❤️❤️❤️

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You are welcome.... the best is yet to come.....believe.... 😘

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Dear Margaret Anna Alice. Your text is extremely moving and so very beautiful. I was spellbound when I read it, couldn´t stop reading, it was like my emotions followed your words or else it was the opposite, I certainly resonated with them. Loss is so hard to overcome yet it does leave you with treasures too, the treasures of the past never go away. A rose that has withered is still a rose.

I noticed anger is absent in your text, that was different for me especially when I lost a friend due to the damned injections. In your text I find a far softer tone, the tone of someone who despite her loss refuses to act in a victim like manner. You are a strong person, Margaret Anna Alice. Even in your deep sorrow you can and do speak to other hearts and you speak about strength. That IS strength. God bless you for this text and God bless your soul. Always.

Always.

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Thank you, brave Alma, for your deeply moving and inspiring words. I am so sorry about your friend being democided 😭🥀🌹

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Oh MAA - tears while reading this beautiful post. Such a profound loss. What a gift to have a special man like Michael to love and share your life with, though he was gone far too soon. Prayers for you always my friend.

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I so appreciate your moral and emotional support, Laura. You have such a big heart, and I am grateful for your friendship 💖

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🥰😘❤️❤️❤️

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“What falls away is always, and is near.” Roethke

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What a lovely and heartening quote, Quill Cross.

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I cannot tell you how much I have reflected on this quote since I lost my parents. As I was reading your extraordinary - and I do mean EXTRAORDINARY - post I was so deeply moved. And, funny thing, I was eagerly awaiting E.B. “Art of losing” - I just knew it was coming. I have that poem memorized. It’s so sublime. I lump Roethke into the same poetic inflorescence. I fell under their spell and all the stanza suzerains in the same sophomore year at UCLA when studying under visiting prof James Merrill. (“Changing Light At Sandover”) We poets have to acknowledge. Each other and the world we write into being. I am not a regular Substack writer. I’m working on the definitive novel of the time. The Covid version of “The Jungle” or “Bonfire of the Vanities.” But I did write a recent piece praising Celia Farber. Be honored if you’d check it out. I have forwarded your piece “Mistakes Were Not Made” many, many times. I think you may have contributed your own seminal chef-d'œuvre.

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Thank you for that exquisite follow-up (and “inflorescence”! 💐) and sharing your moving post. I teared up while reading it as The Guess Who has a special place in my heart. They were the favorite band of our dearly departed starlings, Franny and Zooey (https://margaretannaalice.substack.com/p/morning-rescue), who used to belt out exuberant trills while listening to “These Eyes” and “American Woman” especially.

That novel sounds like a brilliant and ambitious undertaking!

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The universe just blessed us both.

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I’m not telling you anything you don’t know. I fear every day facing the screen. Begging “Source” to provide. The ideas. The movement. The words. But we are bound now. You and I. By “The Guess Who.” Tonight you’ve inspired me. I’ve written Jukebox musicals for Elton, Garth Brooks, John Fogerty, and Billy Joel. Now I’m going to write “Share the Land.” And it’s because of you. My novel “Gaslight Massacre” is a hot mess with plot points all over the place. But I know it’s in there. I’ve just realized this is a comment section. And I’ve bogarted it. Apologies.

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One of the things that makes me happiest is to have played some small role in galvanizing a fellow creator to action, so I am thrilled to read this and wish you much inspiration as you embark on your creative endeavors, Quill Cross!

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